


Enlighten Me

by exrlove



Category: Les Misérables (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Developing Relationship, Explicit Language, Frottage, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oblivious Enjolras, Virgin Enjolras
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-22
Updated: 2014-09-22
Packaged: 2018-02-18 08:02:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2341040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exrlove/pseuds/exrlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Grantaire starts avoiding him after a particularly intense argument, Enjolras is startled by how affected he is by the cynic's absence. (Or oblivious Enjolras finally gets a clue.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Enlighten Me

"Owwww!" Grantaire yelped, rubbing his side where Eponine had just elbowed him sharply in the ribs. "That fucking hurt!"

"Quit being a baby," she snapped. "I'm trying to sleep here, and that's kinda difficult with you sitting on my damn lap."

"I am not sit-"

"Will you please just shut up and move over?"

"Fine," he huffed, giving her the evil eye as he shifted ever so slightly to his left. She shook her head in irritation but didn't say anything else. She may be a pain in the ass, but she was his best friend, and when push came to shove, he knew she always had his back. 

Which is why he believed her when she swore she had no idea what Courfeyrac and Combeferre had been up to tonight.

Grantaire glanced up, catching Courfeyrac's eye in the rearview mirror. He flashed his most winning smile, and Grantaire responded by promptly giving him the finger. 

He was going to kill him. That was all there was to it. He'd already cornered him in the club and threatened to kick his ass, but considering he made that threat approximately once a week, Courfeyrac had just laughed and clapped him on the back. He was going to be in for a real shock when Grantaire got him alone and punched him right in that smug face of his. 

The only reason he'd come along for this road trip to see Courfeyrac's favorite band was because he thought it would just be Combeferre, Courfeyrac, Eponine and himself. He never would've come if he'd known _he_ would be there. Which was precisely why they hadn't told him. 

It had been a good concert, but Grantaire was too livid to enjoy himself. And now they were crammed in the backseat of Courfeyrac's car again, just beginning the two hour drive home. 

He would have made Eponine sit in the middle, but she got carsick when she wasn't near the window. A detail Courfeyrac had no doubt taken into account when concocting this harebrained scheme of his. So here he was, sandwiched between Eponine and _him_ , the man he'd been studiously avoiding for the past month. Ever since that night when he had almost opened his big mouth and ruined everything.

They had been standing outside of the Musain, yelling at the top of their lungs in the pouring rain. Spirited discussions between the two men had become a staple of their weekly meetings, but this one had grown more heated than usual. Grantaire was having one of those weeks where nothing was going his way, and as he often did, he chose to drown his sorrow with whiskey the night before, resulting in a massive hangover that morning. He had been feeling lousy all day, and by the time he arrived at the Musain, he was in a terrible mood. 

Enjolras's mood wasn't much better. Never one to admit he'd bitten off more than he could chew, he adamantly insisted he could handle his demanding course load and the multiple activist projects he was currently organizing. But as they approached the end of the semester, the pressure was building, and it was starting to wear him down. 

So when Grantaire tore into him that night with an almost vicious ferocity, Enjolras took the bait, and things had escalated quickly. The others tried to intervene, but it was no use, and they finally resigned themselves to the fact that they had to let them ride this one out.

They were still going at it when the cafe closed for the night and had continued arguing all the way to the street. Barely registering their friends' hurried goodbyes, they didn't even notice it was drizzling until the skies opened up, unleashing sheets of torrential rain.

"Well this is just fan-fucking-tastic!" Grantaire growled, throwing his hands up in the air. "This is exactly how I wanted to end a spectacularly crappy day. Drenched to the bone listening to you rant on and on about the same old asinine bullshit!"

Enjolras's eyes flashed, and if looks could kill, Grantaire would have been a goner. "If you think everything I say and do is such asinine bullshit, why are you here? Why even come to our ridiculous meetings?"

Enjolras's jaw was clenched, his body practically trembling with rage. Grantaire felt like a drowned rat, but somehow his Apollo managed to look more magnificent than ever, his golden curls plastered to his cheeks, his long, slender neck glistening, his t-shirt clinging to his torso. It was absolutely maddening.

"You really don't get it, do you?" Grantaire spat. "Even after all this time, you still have no fucking clue." 

"Clearly not," Enjolras hissed, taking a step closer and jabbing a finger at his chest. "So please, by all means, R, enlighten me."

They were so close now, dangerously close, close enough that Grantaire could see the bead of rain clinging to Enjolras's lower lip. Oh God, those lips. Grantaire swallowed hard, his throat like sandpaper. The urge to throttle him battled with his desire to slam him against the nearest wall, pressing their bodies together until Enjolras could feel his desperate need for him, kissing that infuriatingly pink mouth fiercely until they were both gasping for-

_No._ He shook his head forcefully, pushing those images out of his mind. Because for the first time, he actually felt like he was on the verge of acting on one of those impulses, and he wasn't sure which of the two terrified him more. 

Grantaire took a step backwards, needing to place some distance between them before he did something crazy he would regret. He ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep, shaky breath and exhaling slowly. Suddenly he felt deflated, like a hot air balloon that popped without warning. All of the anger seeped out of him, and he was left feeling cold, wet and achingly empty. He sighed heavily, wishing he was still furious. It was infinitely better than feeling so incredibly sad. 

"It's nothing. Just forget it, okay?"

Their eyes met, and there was an intensity in Enjolras's gaze which made Grantaire's stomach lurch. When he spoke, his voice was low and demanding, but it no longer had that biting edge to it.

"No, I won't forget it. What am I missing? Tell me."

For a moment he considered doing it, telling him the truth. He had held it in for so long that sometimes he felt like it was eating him from the inside out. He opened his mouth to speak, but his throat felt tight, and he was mortified to discover he was on the verge of tears.

"I-I have to go," he mumbled, willing himself to hold it together. "I'm sorry. Please forget what I said. It was a long day and I'm in a shitty mood and I...I just really need to go."

With that he turned on his heel and bolted. Enjolras didn't try to stop him, and Grantaire hated the fact that part of him still wished he had.

He had been successfully avoiding him ever since with just one notable exception: Eponine's party last weekend. Nothing about their encounter that night made any sense whatsoever. The fact that Enjolras had been there in the first place was odd enough, but in an ironic twist of fate, he had been hammered - the drunkest he'd ever seen him - and Grantaire, for once, was the stone-cold sober one.

He'd replayed their conversation in Eponine's room over and over in his mind at least a hundred times, but he still couldn't make heads or tails of it, and he just ended up angry and frustrated. Not that it mattered considering that Enjolras had probably forgotten all about it by the time he woke up the next morning.

Grantaire snuck a peek at him out of the corner of his eye, not daring to turn his head enough to see his face. His pale, slim legs were crossed at the ankle, stretched as far as they could go which wasn't all that far in the compact backseat.

Enjolras didn't wear shorts very often, and the fact that he had done so tonight made Grantaire irrationally angry. At least he hadn't worn that intoxicating cologne he had on last weekend. The combination of the two surely would have killed him. 

******* 

Enjolras sighed quietly, leaning back against the headrest. It had barely even begun, but he could already tell this was going to be a very long car ride. He was tired, his head hurt and his ears were ringing from standing too close to the speakers. He knew if he said anything they would all tease him about being a crotchety old man, but he just wanted to be home in his warm, cozy bed. 

Why in the world had he agreed to go to this concert in the first place? He should have known something was fishy when Combeferre had been so adamant that he come along. He'd claimed that Courfeyrac's friend from work was coming with them, and he didn't want him to feel like the third wheel. He rarely asked Enjolras for a favor, and now that finals were over, he didn't have a good excuse not to go. 

__As surprised as he'd been to see Eponine and Grantaire sitting in the backseat, it was nothing compared to the look of horror on Grantaire's face when Enjolras opened the car door. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw that look again, and it hurt just as badly as it had the first time._ _

__The man beside him shifted ever so slightly, still keeping as much space between them as humanly possible, and Enjolras swallowed hard against the lump in his throat._ _

__Their argument outside of the Musain had left him with an unsettled feeling he hadn't been able to shake for days. He'd considered tracking Grantaire down and demanding they finish their conversation, but Enjolras had no idea what his work or class schedule was, and he sure as hell wasnt going to ask one of their mutual friends about it. Besides, R rented a house with a few roommates, which meant that even if he did happen to catch him at home, the likelihood of having a private conversation was slim to none. Enjolras wasn’t sure why, but he just knew this wasn’t something he wanted to discuss in front of an audience. He finally convinced himself he was being ridiculous, and that it would be better to wait until their next meeting. He’d ask R to stay for a minute after the others left, and they’d get to the bottom of this once and for all._ _

__But when the group gathered the next week, Grantaire was nowhere to be found._ _

__Enjolras had been pissed, silently fuming the entire time. Leave it to Grantaire to throw a tantrum like a petulant child. If he was trying to guilt trip Enjolras, it wasn't going to work._ _

__Except it did work. The following week, when he still wasn't there, Enjolras felt a sharp pang in his gut. He'd thought that missing one meeting was Grantaire's way of melodramatically making a point, but now he wasn't so sure. It wasn't like him to hold a grudge for this long._ _

___Why even come to our ridiculous meetings?_ _ _

__Enjolras couldn't stop picturing the expression on Grantaire's face after he said that to him. Angry wasn't the right word for it, and neither was hurt, although those emotions were certainly mixed in there too. There had been a wild madness in his eyes he had never seen before, and it had actually been a little frightening._ _

__He kept reminding himself that Grantaire had antagonized him that night, intentionally provoking him until he lost it entirely. Besides, R rarely took anything he said seriously. How could he have known this time would be different?_ _

__But it had been different, and he had known that. Why else would he have wanted to chase after him in the pouring rain to find out what he was about to say? Not to mention the fact that he spent half the night tossing and turning, unable to get their conversation out of his mind._ _

__He'd known it was different, but he hadn't done anything to fix it. And now Grantaire wasn't there, and it was his fault._ _

___Why even come to our ridiculous meetings?_ _ _

__The words kept echoing through his mind, again and again, until he wanted to scream._ _

__Grantaire may get on his last nerve, but he was a part of this group, and he belonged here just as much as anyone else in the room. And, if he was being completely honest with himself, Enjolras missed his sparring partner. As much as he loved his friends, it just wasn’t the same without Grantaire._ _

__Then there was the week after that, a few days before the party. By then all of his anger and guilt had faded away, replaced by something far more disturbing: a dull ache in his chest that intensified every time he glanced over at the empty chair usually occupied by Grantaire._ _

__He wasn't one to get distracted easily, especially not when he was running a meeting, but that night he kept losing his train of thought. Finally he gave up, pretending to have a migraine and cutting the meeting short. He could tell by the way Combeferre was studying him with a furrowed brow that he wasn't buying it, but thankfully he kept quiet, knowing Enjolras well enough not to pry._ _

__They had been talking about the party at Eponine's that Saturday, but he was only half listening, distracted by the thoughts racing through his mind. No one asked if he was going, assuming the answer would be no, and truthfully he had no intention of attending, especially not the weekend before finals._ _

__It wasn't until later that night, lying awake and staring at the ceiling in the darkness, that the idea had suddenly occurred to him._ _

__He hadn't been paying close attention to the conversation, but he did hear them say they would get to Eponine's around 10ish. He would never understand why his generation insisted on doing things so damn late. What was wrong with starting at 8 o'clock and being home at a sensible hour? And what was with all of these tentative plans? Just pick a time already. He prided himself on being punctual and had no patience for wishy-washy nonsense._ _

__He hadn't told anyone he was going, partly because he knew they'd ask too many questions and partly because he didn't want them to tell Grantaire he would be there. Combeferre usually spent weekends at Courfeyrac's apartment and would be going to the party with him, so Enjolras was on his own._ _

__On Saturday night he'd showered and tried on a few outfits, not particularly satisfied with any of them. They all made him look too stiff and formal, and the last thing he needed was to provide his friends with more ammunition to give him a hard time about. Finally he settled on a red short sleeve Henley and a pair of dress jeans, adding a silver chain and a hint of the cologne he'd gotten as a Christmas gift and had never bothered to open. If he was going to this party, he may as well look presentable. And as for the butterflies fluttering in his stomach? Well, he chose not to think about where those had come from._ _

__He was all ready to go by 8:30 and had spent the next hour or so trying unsuccessfully to keep busy. First he'd attempted to read, but after staring blankly at the same page for five minutes, he gave up and tossed the book aside. After that he'd channel surfed for awhile but nothing held his interest. And then he'd spent a good fifteen minutes or so pacing through his apartment until he couldn't take it any more and headed out._ _

__He got to Eponine's neighborhood around 9:45 and wandered around the block until five past, figuring that was late enough. When Eponine opened the door and saw him standing there, she had stared at him as if he'd grown a second head._ _

__"What are you doing here?" she finally asked, scowling up at him._ _

__He and Eponine had never been close, but she'd been giving him the cold shoulder these past few weeks. Aggravating as she may be, she was fiercely loyal to her friends, especially Grantaire, and Enjolras respected that._ _

__"I, uh, brought you this," he said with a tight smile, awkwardly holding up a bottle of wine and ignoring her question._ _

__Eponine thanked him begrudgingly for the wine and invited him in. His stomach sank when he saw there was only a handful of people in the living room, and Grantaire wasn't one of them. Eponine's roommate Musichetta was sandwiched between Joly and Bossuet on the couch (Enjolras was never quite sure what the dynamic was between those three, but it was none of his business so he'd never bothered to ask), and a couple of her friends were sitting on the love-seat._ _

__After they had exchanged greetings, Musichetta's friend informed him that they were about to kick things off with a round of shots and asked if he would like to join them. Eponine, just returning from the kitchen with a bowl of chips, had scoffed aloud at the suggestion._ _

__Normally he would have fixed her with a stony stare before politely declining. But tonight he wasn't feeling much like himself. He was jittery and on edge. Maybe a shot was just what he needed to calm his frayed nerves. And the look of bewildered shock on Eponine's face when he said to count him in? Well, that was just an added bonus._ _

__Courfeyrac and Combeferre arrived a few minutes later, flabbergasted to not only see him there but to hear he'd just downed a shot like a champ. When Courfeyrac insisted he do another with them, Enjolras had given in without much of a fight. And he hadn't even protested at all when Marius later asked him to do one more round, complaining he always missed all the fun._ _

__By then he was definitely starting to feel it, and he decided that was enough with the shots for the night. He didn't want to be smashed by the time Grantaire finally got there. But he did help himself to a glass of the sangria Cosette had made, and it was so delicious he couldn't resist refilling his cup once or twice._ _

__The alcohol did help him relax, and he actually managed to do alright with mingling and making conversation. He'd never been very good at small talk, deeming it a waste of everyone's time, especially his own. And apparently, according to Courfeyrac at least, the things he wanted to discuss "weren't suitable topics of conversation for a party." Whatever that meant. But he was doing okay that night, despite the fact that every time the door opened, his heart leapt into his throat, and every time Enjolras saw it was someone other than Grantaire, it sank like a stone._ _

__But as the moments ticked by, he grew more and more antsy, and eventually he couldn't even pretend to pay attention to the chatter surrounding him, choosing instead to sit slumped in the corner, jiggling his knee up and down as he nursed his drink and stared at the door morosely._ _

__He was so lost in thought he didn't notice Combeferre walk over until he was standing right next to him._ _

__"Don't worry," Combeferre said quietly. "He'll be here any minute."_ _

__"Huh?" Enjolras asked, squinting up at him._ _

__Combeferre sighed. "R. There was a showing and reception at the gallery where he works tonight. He's coming over directly from there."_ _

__Enjolras knew he was supposed to protest, claim to have no idea what he was talking about, but he just didn't have it in him. He was feeling lightheaded all of a sudden, and he was pretty sure if he stood up he'd topple right over. Besides, it was futile anyway. Even on his best day he couldn't fool Combeferre. Sometimes he felt his friend knew him better than he knew himself. It could be rather disconcerting._ _

__Instead he groaned, resting his elbows on his knees and burying his head in his hands. "Why does he hate me so much?"_ _

__"Trust me, E," Combeferre said, patting him on the shoulder. "He does not hate you."_ _

__Enjolras was about to ask how he could be so sure, but before he could get the words out, the door swung open, and there he was._ _

__It felt like the butterflies in his stomach were staging a violent revolution, and he worried for a moment he might be sick._ _

__Grantaire was wearing a tie. He'd never seen him in a tie before. Why did he have to wear a tie tonight of all nights? And did it honestly have to be a tie that brought out the color of his eyes like that? He hadn't known it was even possible for them to be a more vibrant shade of blue than usual, but somehow they were._ _

__He was wearing a white button down with slightly wrinkled khakis, and he'd tried unsuccessfully to tame his unruly dark curls. To say Grantaire looked "put together" would have been an exaggeration, but he had clearly made an effort. Compared to his usual attire of paint stained T-shirts and cargo shorts or ripped jeans and hoodies (pulled over one of those t-shirts), it looked like he was about to attend a black tie event._ _

__He looked good. Really good._ _

__He was joking about how the party could finally get started now that he had arrived, a carefree grin on his face. Enjolras knew he was staring, but he couldn't have torn his eyes away even if he tried._ _

__It took a moment for Grantaire to glance over and see him sitting there in the corner, but when their eyes finally met, Enjolras felt like he'd been sucker-punched._ _

__They stared at each other for what somehow seemed like both an eternity and an instant but was probably closer to 10 seconds. Grantaire was the one to look away first, and when he spoke again, his voice was strained, and the smile had faded from his lips._ _

__"Hey Ep, I'm gonna go change in your room. Be back in a few." And with that he had disappeared down the hall._ _

__Enjolras's eyes stung as he watched him go, his vision blurrier than it had been a moment ago._ _

__"Go talk to him."_ _

__He'd completely forgotten his friend was standing beside him and almost jumped a foot at the sound of Combeferre's voice._ _

__"What am I supposed to do?" he grumbled. "Burst into the room as he's changing?"_ _

__Enjolras's face burned at the image that had just popped into his mind of Grantaire shirtless, his belt unbuckled, his-_ _

__"Well, that's one option," Combeferre said dryly, breaking him out of his reverie. "Or you could wait in the hall and talk to him when he's done. Either way. It's the last door on the right."_ _

__"Oh." He thought it over, deciding this would most likely be his only chance to talk to him privately all night. "Okay."_ _

__He must have stood up too quickly because the room was spinning, and he had to grab Combeferre's shoulder to keep from stumbling. He assured him that he was fine, he had just lost his balance. Combeferre didn't look convinced, but he didn't try to stop him._ _

__Enjolras slowly made his way across the room and down the hall, sagging against the wall opposite Eponine's door. He closed his eyes, fairly certain he could have fallen asleep standing up if his body wasn't vibrating with nervous energy._ _

__Several minutes passed, and he was just beginning to wonder if Grantaire had climbed out the window to get away from him, when finally he emerged, looking more like his usual self in a black t-shirt and faded jeans with a hole in the knee. He froze in his tracks when he saw Enjolras standing there._ _

__"What the...Are you okay?" he asked, his expression softening. "You look a little green."_ _

__Enjolras pushed off from the wall, trying to stand up straight. The dizziness came out of nowhere, and suddenly he was seeing stars._ _

__"I need to lie down." The words were out of his mouth before he even realized he was about to speak, and he startled himself as much as he surprised Grantaire._ _

__"Uhhh...okay." He stepped aside, and Enjolras walked in, making a beeline for the bed and plopping down on his back. He had no idea what the hell he was doing, but at least he didn't feel as dizzy now._ _

__"Alrighty then, I guess I'll just leave you alone to-"_ _

__"No!" Enjolras hadn't meant to say that so loudly. "I mean...Don't go. I came...I jus'..."_ _

__"You...what?" Grantaire prodded, crossing his arms over his chest._ _

__This was not going at all according to plan, but this bed was so comfortable, and he was having a very hard time staying focused._ _

__"I feel like I'm floating on a cloud," he sighed, running his hands over the soft comforter. "Do you know where Epomime...Epom... Dammit why is her name so hard to say? You know what I mean. Where did she get this bed? I want one."_ _

__Grantaire narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing him more closely. "Are you...are you drunk, Apollo?"_ _

__Enjolras had always hated when he referred to him that way, but a warm glow spread in his chest at the sound of that familiar nickname coming from his lips. "You...you called me Apollo."_ _

__"Uhhh, yeah." Grantaire said, scratching his chin uncertainly as he cautiously walked over to the bed._ _

__"It's okay. I don't bite." Unless you want me to. The thought had popped unbidden into his head, and he felt like his face was on fire. He must have been drunker than he realized. He was pretty sure he'd never had a thought like that about anyone. Ever._ _

__Enjolras was too embarrassed to make eye contact so he didn't get to see Grantaire's reaction to his statement, but he did hear him make a choking sound which he quickly covered up with a fake cough. He was probably trying not to laugh out loud at how ridiculous Enjolras was acting. He couldn't blame him for that._ _

__Grantaire sat down at the foot of the bed, as far away from Enjolras as he could get. "So um, is there something you want to say to me?"_ _

__It seemed his mortification had sobered him up a bit which was a good thing, he supposed, but it didn't exactly help with the nerves._ _

__"I just..." he started, trailing off when he realized he had no idea what he wanted to say. Grantaire was staring at him expectantly, waiting for him to finish, and Enjolras panicked, blurting out the first thing that came to his mind. "Why did you stop coming to meetings?"_ _

___No, no, no,_ he silently scolded himself. That had come out wrong. None of this was going the way it was supposed to. _ _

__Grantaire frowned, one eyebrow quirked quizzically. "Isn't it obvious? You didn't want me there. And that's okay. Those meetings are your thing. I was just...Getting in the way and being a pain in the ass, I guess. I figured I'd wasted enough of everyone's time. Thought you'd be glad. If you even noticed I wasn't there. You have more important things on your mind than us mere mortals. Especially the drunk, bitter ones like me."_ _

__"Why do you say things like that?" Enjolras demanded, his tone sharper than he'd intended. "Is that really what you think of me?"_ _

__"I don't know what you want me to say," Grantaire snapped, standing up and throwing his hands in the air. "You asked me a question, and I gave you my answer. I'm sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear."_ _

__"I guess I just..." Enjolras paused, considering his words carefully before continuing. "I don't understand how you could spend all this time with me over the past couple of years and still not know me at all."_ _

__Grantaire's entire body tensed, a dark cloud crossing over his face. "Are you fucking kidding me? _I_ don't know _you_ at all? That's rich. It really is. But you know what? We're done here. You just take your nap or whatever the fuck it is you're doing. And do me a favor, will ya? Please never speak to me again."_ _

__And then he was gone, not slamming the door behind him but coming awfully close._ _

__This time when the nausea hit, it crashed over him like a tidal wave, and he barely made it to the bathroom in time._ _

__That was it. He was officially never drinking again._ _

__******_ _

__Grantaire had to fight the urge to pinch himself. He still wasn't fully convinced he was awake and this hadn't all been an extremely vivid dream._ _

__He scrolled to the top of the text conversation, hoping if he read it through from the beginning it would help him to wrap his head around the fact that this was actually happening. Not to mention how badly he needed a distraction for the remainder of this seemingly endless car ride._ _

__They'd just gotten back on the highway after a quick bathroom break at a rest stop, and he'd been playing a game of Tetris on his phone when the first message had popped up._ _

__Grantaire made a sound that could only be described as a squeak, realizing a second too late that the person who sent the message was sitting right beside him. The fact that he had probably heard his reaction was unfortunate, to say the least, but there was nothing he could do about it now.__

E: I know you asked me to never speak to you again. (And you hate when I'm too literal so you'd get pissed if I said this didn't technically count as speaking.) But I had to tell you that I'm sorry. For everything. I realize I don't deserve this, but if you would just give me five minutes, there are a few things we need to discuss. Things I'd rather not say in a text message.

R: you feeling ok? i'm pretty sure the word "sorry" isn't in your vocabulary. do you even know what you're apologizing for or are you just saying what you think I want to hear so things can go back to normal? honestly, i'm not trying to be a dick...but i don't think that's a good idea. given our track record and all. so, if there's something you want to say, you're just gonna have to say it now

E: Funny. Yes, I know why you're angry. (Or at least I hope I do.) And no, that's not why I'm apologizing. Okay. If you're sure that's what you want.

Grantaire's eyes stung as he stared down at the screen. Of course that wasn't what he wanted. None of this was what he wanted. But he couldn't tell him that. He couldn't tell him that the only thing he truly wanted was something he knew he would never have. Something that Enjolras could never give him. Just like he couldn't tell him that as hard as it was to stay away, the alternative was killing him slowly, and he couldn't take it anymore.

R: yes i'm sure 

E: Alright. Then you'll have to bear with me. This may take awhile. And I'd appreciate it if you'd let me finish before responding. I'll tell you when I'm done.

R: ok 

E: I guess I should start with our fight outside the Musain...There was something about that argument that was different from the others, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. It drove me crazy that I couldn't figure out what you were about to say, and I didn't understand why I couldn't let it go. Or why it bothered me so much that you stopped coming to meetings.

E: All I knew was that nothing was the same without you there. (Apparently I've grown so accustomed to your constant interruptions that I don't know what to do with myself when I'm able to finish a complete thought. Thanks a lot for that, by the way.)

E: Seriously though, not having you around made me realize something. Yes, you exasperate and frustrate me to no end (and I know I do the same to you), but you also challenge me in a way no one else ever has. And I missed that. I missed you. I went to Eponine's because I knew you'd be there, and I wanted to ask you to please come back. But then I got drunk and somehow managed to make everything worse. So, that was great.

E: This is going to sound crazy, but the morning after the party, I was lying in bed, waiting for my head to explode, when I had this moment of clarity. It was like all the pieces had been rattling around in there, and now the puzzle finally came together, and I could see the big picture. 

E: You were right. I was clueless. There were so many things I was wrong about and so much I didn't get. Suddenly I understood why we get so irrationally fired up when we argue, and why I freaked out when I saw you were wearing that damn blue tie, and why you get so angry with me when I say certain things, and why you act differently around me than you do with the others.

E: Okay this is the part I didn't want to say in a text. But maybe it's better this way. I've never done this before, and I'm really nervous so it probably would have come out as a garbled mess. 

E: I'm stalling now so I'm just going to say it. I like you, R. A lot. To be perfectly honest, this is the first time I've felt this way. Which is why it took me such a long time to admit it even to myself. I like you, and I'm pretty sure you like me too. 

E: If I'm wrong and you don't feel the same way, please just say so, and I will never bring this up again. I suddenly have the strongest urge to throw myself out of the car and into oncoming traffic so this may have been a huge mistake...But no, it needed to be said, and I'm glad I said it. Even if I do feel like I'm going to be sick. I don't know why I'm telling you that. Okay, I'm done now. 

Grantaire just sat there for a moment, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths as shock waves washed over him. Was this some kind of sick joke? But no, Enjolras wasn't the practical joke type, and even if he was, there was nothing remotely funny about this. 

R: speaking of heads exploding, you are gonna have to give me a minute cuz i'm pretty sure mine just did...yep. i can now confirm i am in fact dead

E: Grantaire, will you please be serious for just one minute?

R: oh i am wild. (i'm not sure exactly what that means but i read it somewhere and always wanted to say it. sorry - i say strange things when i'm nervous, and nervous doesn't even begin to describe what i am now.) no but you seriously did just blow my mind. you have feelings for me...how is that even possible???

E: What kind of question is that?

R: uhhh...a perfectly valid one, thank you very much.

E: No actually it's a ludicrous one, and I refuse to answer it. I wish you'd stop putting yourself down like that. You think everyone else sees you the way you see yourself but we don't. I don't. 

R: ok then. i'll rephrase the question. what do you see when you look at me?

E: I see a brilliant, loyal, funny, infuriatingly stubborn man who has no idea how ridiculously talented he is. I see someone who pretends not to care, but buried beneath all that cynicism has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. 

E: I see a man with impossibly blue eyes and a crooked grin and perpetually tousled hair (do you even own a brush?) which can be very distracting, just so you know. I've wanted to run my fingers through it and straighten it out all night...Or maybe mess it up some more...What am I saying? See what you do to me?

E: I could keep going, but I'm rambling again so I'll leave it at that. That's what I see.

R: that's it. i've officially died and gone to heaven. not sure how i ended up here, but whatever, works for me (sorry i'm doing it again). wow. i just...wow. did i say wow already? enjolras, i value your opinion more than anyone else's in the world. the fact that you see me that way...i can't even wrap my head around it. but it means more than i could ever put into words. i'm literally speechless (and you know me - that never happens)

R: of course i have feelings for you, you dork. how could you have not known that? you drive me insane. you're the bane of my existence. you're my muse. i don't believe in much, but i believe in you. always. you're the most magnificent, intelligent, beautiful, inspiring human being i have ever met. arguing with you was the highlight of my week. hell it was more like the highlight of my life really. and i miss it terribly. i miss you terribly. 

___E: Grantaire._ _ _

___R: Enjolras._ _ _

___E: Look at me._ _ _

__Grantaire hadn't looked over once during their exchange, and he had to muster up every ounce of courage to face him now. When he finally met his gaze, the intensity in Enjolras's eyes literally knocked the wind out of him._ _

__And then it happened. Enjolras shifted in his seat, slowly inching towards him. Grantaire froze, still as a statue, afraid to even breathe._ _

__When their calves brushed, it was like he had touched a live wire. Add to that the way Enjolras's eyes widened with surprise and darkened with desire, and it was almost too much for him to bear._ _

__Enjolras finally looked away, focusing his attention on the phone in his lap, his brow furrowed in deep concentration. All Grantaire could do was continue to stare, sketching his lovely profile in his mind._ _

___E: I wish I could kiss you right now. But this is nice too.__ _

__He was moving even closer, and Grantaire had to grit his teeth to keep from groaning as he pressed their clothed thighs together. He glanced over at Eponine, but she was sound asleep. In the front seat Courfeyrac and Combeferre seemed oblivious to what was happening behind them. Although at the moment he honestly couldn't care less if everyone in the car had been staring at them with their mouths hanging open._ _

___R: you are killing me here. nice? that's one word for it. ugh. the things i want to do to you...__ _

___E: Such as?_ _ _

__Grantaire actually hissed when Enjolras's knuckles deliberately grazed his knee._ _

___R: you're awful, you know that? and no, i can't go there. not now.__ _

___E: Why not?_ _ _

___R: cause if i do i'll cum in my pants and that would make this ride even more unbearable than it already is._ _ _

___E: Seriously?___

R: jeez, e, i don't know...let's just say it's a distinct possibility. i know it isn't exactly your strong suit, but you're just gonna have to be patient for a little bit longer. 

E: Hey, I can be patient when I have to be. I just don't like it. But fine, if you insist. We'll be at my place in about twenty minutes anyway. And Ferre is staying at Courf's tonight. So...would you like to come home with me? 

______

R: would i like to come home with you? are you kidding me? hmmm let me think about that for a minute...i don't know...i think i'm gonna have to go with...HELL TO THE FUCKING YES. i mean...sure, that sounds cool, i guess. i'm not freaking out over here or anything. no siree. 

E: you're doing it again. 

R: doing what?

E: Saying weird things because you're nervous

R: uhhh ya think? thanks for that captain obvious 

Enjolras nudged him lightly with his thigh, and Grantaire nudged him back, feeling light as a feather, like he could have just floated up into the clouds if it weren't for his seatbelt (and the car roof) holding him down.

E: I'm nervous too, you know...This probably won't come as a surprise to you, but I'm not that experienced when it comes to this kind of thing. This is all very new for me. 

___R: enjolras, we can take this as slowly as you want. we don't have to do anything you're not comfortable doing. there's no rush. at all. promise_ _ _

___E: I appreciate that. But for the first time in my life, I don't want to take it slowly. There are things I want to do with you that I've never even imagined doing with anyone else. And I'd be lying if I said that didn't scare me. But it's a good kind of scared, you know? I can't believe I'm actually telling you this, but I had a dream the other night, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. We were naked on my bed, and we were just..rubbing against each other, I guess is the best way to describe it. And it felt amazing. I'd really like to do that with you tonight. (I see what you were getting at before. We really should change the subject.)_ _ _

__Grantaire couldn't breathe. He glanced over, almost swallowing his tongue when he saw the bulge in Enjolras's lap. He could actually feel his cock twitch at the sight of it._ _

___R: fuck fuck FUCK. you are an evil man, and i hate you. (COURFEYRAC MY GRANDMA DRIVES FASTER THAN THIS HURRY THE FUCK UP!!!! sorry just had to get that out of my system)__ _

__Enjolras had giggled aloud as he read his text, and it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard._ _

___R: but yes, we definitely need to talk about something else. immediately.__ _

___E: Actually, my phone's battery is getting low, so it's going to die if I keep texting. We'll be home pretty soon anyway. Just get out at my place, okay?_ _ _

___R: roger that. i'm gonna kiss you the minute we're alone. fyi_ _ _

___E: Not if I kiss you first._ _ _

___R: you're on ;-)_ _ _

__Grantaire glanced up as he reached the end of their conversation, his heart skipping a beat when he realized they were only a couple of minutes from Enjolras's apartment._ _

__They were still sitting close together, touching from their feet right up to their hips, but it wasn't nearly enough. Grantaire wasn't sure if he was feeling bolder all of a sudden or if he was just so horny he'd officially lost his mind, but next thing he knew he was reaching over, placing his hand lightly on top of Enjolras's._ _

__Enjolras responded immediately, turning his hand over and linking their fingers. His palm was damp, but so was Grantaire's, and there was something comforting about the fact that they were like two awkward teenagers on the way back from their first date, nervous and excited about the goodnight kiss. Except in this case they would be doing a lot more than kissing. The thought alone was enough to drive him insane. If he was dreaming, he never ever wanted to wake up._ _

__*****_ _

__When they pulled up in front of his apartment and Grantaire casually said he was getting out here too, Courfeyrac threw his arms up in the air and let out a loud whoop._ _

__"I knew it!" he exclaimed, clapping his hands together and dancing a little jig in his seat. "Didn't I tell you, Ferre? I told you."_ _

__"Shut up," Enjolras grumbled, rolling his eyes, but as hard as he tried, he couldn't wipe the smile off his face._ _

__"Yeah, don't think you're off the hook, buddy. I'm still gonna kick your ass," Grantaire chimed in, but he too was grinning from ear to ear._ _

__Courfeyrac waved his hand in the air dismissively. "Whatever you say, lovebirds. Have fuuuuun! Don't do anything I wouldn't do," he singsonged, waggling his eyebrows._ _

__Combeferre elbowed him in the ribs, giving him a stern look, but Enjolras could tell from the twinkle in his eyes that he was just as excited as his boyfriend was._ _

__He glanced over at Eponine, but somehow she'd managed to sleep through all the hubbub. They quickly said goodbye to the guys, and then they were heading up the walkway, their hands still clasped. He was startled to discover he was shaking as he unlocked the door and let them into his building._ _

__The door swung shut behind them, and they stopped walking, turning almost simultaneously to look at each other. His heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was trying to leap right out of his chest. Their eyes met, and Grantaire looked as terrified as he felt. Somehow seeing that he wasn't the only one freaking out helped to calm his nerves._ _

__"Hey, aren't you the guy who said he was going to kiss me as soon as we got inside?" Enjolras teased, a smile curving up the corners of his mouth._ _

__Grantaire glanced down at his feet, grinning shyly and looking up at him through his long lashes. Enjolras was delighted to see his cheeks were turning a rosy shade of pink. "And aren't you the guy who said not if he kissed me first?"_ _

__Enjolras laughed, squeezing his hand and tugging lightly. "Come on, you."_ _

__His apartment was on the first floor, and he was relieved to discover his hand wasn't shaking as badly as he let them in. They kicked off their shoes, dropping their messenger bags on the table by the door._ _

__Enjolras cleared his throat awkwardly, unsure of what to do or say next. "So, uhhh, should we go to my room now or-?"_ _

__"Yes," Grantaire said emphatically, taking his hand again. "Yes, we should."_ _

__"Okay." He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as he led the way across his apartment. "Sorry if it's a little messy. I wasn't expecting company."_ _

__"Apollo, please," Grantaire scoffed. "I'm sure it's immaculate compared to mine."_ _

__"Well, that I believe," he said, just to get a rise out of him, loving the way his eyebrows shot up and his mouth dropped open._ _

__"You're a real jerk, you know that?" Grantaire shook his head in mock disbelief as they entered the room, Enjolras motioning for him to go in first. "Also, you're a fucking liar. You call this messy?"_ _

__Enjolras laughed, shutting the door behind them. "Oh, wh-"_ _

__The words died on his lips when he turned around to face him._ _

__They were still holding hands, so he'd known Grantaire hadn't wandered off too far, but he'd expected him to be surveying the room, perhaps gearing up to make another snide remark._ _

__He did not expect him to be standing so very close, their faces mere inches apart, his eyes blazing as he gazed up at him. If he hadn't already been hard, that look alone would've done the trick._ _

__Enjolras's eyes fluttered shut, a shiver of anticipation racing down his spine as their noses brushed, Grantaire's mouth lingering just a breath away for a few beats before finally capturing Enjolras's lips with his own._ _

___Oh.__ _

__Enjolras had been kissed before, but not like this, never like this._ _

__When he'd kissed other men, it had always felt somewhat mechanical. He spent most of the time thinking about which way to turn his head or where to put his hands or how much was the right amount of tongue. He worried about how fast things were progressing and when the guy would try to take it to the next level and how to politely decline when he did. Sometimes it all just seemed like more trouble than it was worth._ _

__But this...this was as natural as breathing._ _

__When Grantaire began to suck on his lower lip, all Enjolras could do was cling to him, one hand gripping his upper arm, the other in his hair, fingers tangled in those irresistible dark curls, not trusting his wobbly knees to hold him up._ _

__Enjolras moaned as Grantaire parted his lips with his tongue, licking into his mouth hungrily. He was so distracted he didn't even notice they were moving until he felt something solid against his back, realizing with a start that he was pinned against the closed door._ _

__For a few moments they just made out feverishly, hands roaming everywhere. The taste of his lips and tongue was intoxicating, and Enjolras knew that he could never get enough of it. Enough of him._ _

__He grasped the hem of Grantaire's T-shirt, tugging it up as much as he could without breaking away from the kiss, not wanting to stop kissing him even for a second. He let out a needy whine of protest when Grantaire pulled back, but then his shirt was off, and he was pulling Enjolras's shirt over his head, tossing it on the floor._ _

__"God, you are so fucking beautiful, Ap-Enjolras," he corrected himself, his voice quiet, almost reverent, as his eyes raked over him, taking it all in. "Sorry, I know you hate that nickname. Old habits."_ _

__"I don't mind it so much now," Enjolras admitted, hesitating for just a moment before running his hands over the dusting of hair on Grantaire's chest. "But I like hearing you say my name."_ _

__Grantaire smiled as he leaned in closer, pressing soft kisses along his stubbled jawline until his mouth hovered above his ear.__

"Enjolras," he murmured, the word like a caress, his breath hot against his skin, nipping lightly on his earlobe. His head fell back as Grantaire planted openmouthed kisses along his throat, whispering his name over and over like a mantra. 

__Enjolras's hands slid over his toned stomach, traveling farther south and fumbling with the button on Grantaire's shorts, frustrated that his fingers refused to cooperate. He was grateful when Grantaire took over, pulling them off before unbuttoning Enjolras's shorts and tugging them down as well._ _

__They were both straining against their boxer-briefs, red and green respectively, which did little to conceal what was underneath. Enjolras swallowed hard, startled by how badly he wanted to trace the outline of Grantaire's cock through the thin fabric with his tongue._ _

__Enjolras gasped as Grantaire gripped his ass, pressing their crotches together firmly. When he began to move, Enjolras followed his lead, his hips instinctually bucking up to meet him. Before long they were rutting against each other, moaning in unison as they sought more of that incredible friction._ _

__He knew if they kept this up, he wouldn't last much longer, and he wasn't ready for this to end so soon, not before they were even fully naked or had made it into his bed. Fortunately Grantaire seemed to be on the same wavelength, because he was reaching for the waistband of his boxer-briefs. "Can I-"_ _

__"Yes," he interrupted, his voice hoarse. "Please."_ _

__Grantaire quickly pulled them down, inhaling sharply as he sprang free. Enjolras impatiently yanked his underwear down the rest of the way, stepping out of them, and Grantaire hurriedly did the same. He straightened up again, a white hot spike of desire coursed through him as he drank in the sight of the gloriously naked man in front of him._ _

__Enjolras wasn't sure who initiated it, but suddenly they were kissing again, picking up where they left off but with an increased sense of urgency._ _

__"Bed," he panted, a shudder racking through him as Grantaire brushed against his bare thigh, so hard and already dripping precome._ _

__They somehow made it across the room, falling on his bed in a tangle of limbs, tongues dancing together as they rolled across the mattress, reveling in the rush of skin on skin. They finally settled with Enjolras on his back and Grantaire on top of him, a ragged sigh escaping his lips as their cocks slid against each other for the first time._ _

__It was unlike anything he'd ever experienced, better than he could have imagined in his wildest dreams. How had he survived all his life without this? But no, that wasn't the real question. How had he survived without him?_ _

__"God, you feel amazing," Grantaire growled, sucking on his collarbone and rolling his hips roughly._ _

__He was propped up with one hand, his other hand in his hair, and Enjolras practically purred when he tugged on a golden curl. He pulled again, harder, eliciting a loud groan this time._ _

__Enjolras hooked his legs over Grantaire's thighs and wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling him down for another desperate kiss. The mattress springs squeaked beneath them, their moans growing louder as the rhythm of their hips grew faster and more frantic, both men too far gone to worry about being quiet._ _

__Grantaire lowered himself onto his forearms, their balls rubbing against each other as he rocked from side to side. Oh, fuck, R," he gasped, writhing beneath him. "I'm so close."_ _

__"Right there with you," Grantaire murmured, staring down at him with wild eyes. "I want to see that beautiful face of yours when you come. Come for me, Enjolras."_ _

__He swiveled his hips, pulling back and then thrusting forward again, hard, and Enjolras practically screamed his name as he came. He continued to move, riding him through it, and Enjolras was still shaking when Grantaire found his release, spilling between them with a strangled cry._ _

__Grantaire buried his face in the crook of Enjolras's neck, their skin slick with sweat, chests heaving as they struggled to catch their breath._ _

__When he finally rolled off, Grantaire curled up against him, resting his head on his chest. "Wow. That was fucking amazing."_ _

__Enjolras swelled with pride, relieved that despite his inexperience, it had been incredible for Grantaire too. "You can say that again."_ _

__"Wow. That was fucking amazing." Enjolras could actually feel his smirk against his skin._ _

__"You're such a dork," he teased, stroking his damp curls absently. "A very cute dork though."_ _

__"Uhh, I think by cute you meant to say ruggedly handsome in a really manly way. Right?" Grantaire asked, nudging him lightly in the ribs._ _

__Enjolras rolled his eyes affectionately, tightening his arms around him. "Of course. A ruggedly handsome, extremely manly dork."_ _

__"Much better. Thank you. And you, sir, happen to be a hot as hell, irresistibly sexy dork. And I'm kinda crazy about you."_ _

__"Well, I'm kind of in love with you," Enjolras replied, the words slipping out of his mouth before he had time to think better of it._ _

__He cringed, mentally kicking himself as he felt Grantaire stiffen in his arms. What was wrong with him? He tried to think of some way to backpedal, but before he could open his mouth to speak, Grantaire had propped himself up on one elbow, staring down at him incredulously with eyes as big as saucers._ _

__"B-but," he sputtered, grasping for words. "You...In the car...You said you liked me. A lot. You didn't say-"_ _

__Enjolras let out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. "I was having a bit of trouble putting my feelings into words, remember? And, I mean, I wasn't 100% sure how you felt about me at the time. Besides, I'm not the most romantic person, but even I know you don't say that for the first time via text message."_ _

__"Oh," Grantaire said, mulling this over, still looking dazed. "Right. So, ummm...you said you're kind of in love with me. Does that mean you're on the fence about it, like, maybe you are, maybe you aren't, cause I mean that's totally-"_ _

__Enjolras reached up, cradling his face in his hands. "I love you, Grantaire," he whispered, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was true._ _

__Grantaire's face lit up with the most radiant smile he had ever seen. "I love you too, Enjolras," he breathed. "I love you so very much."_ _

__He leaned down, kissing him softly. When they finally broke apart, Grantaire sighed contentedly, snuggling against his chest again._ _

__As Enjolras lazily ran his hand up and down his back, listening to Grantaire's breathing grow even, he couldn't help wishing they could stay right here like this forever. He was happier in this moment than he'd ever been in his entire life._ _

__Enjolras knew they had a lot to discuss, but that could wait until morning. He wasn't going to delude himself into thinking it would all be smooth sailing. There would certainly be bumps along the way as they adjusted to the new dynamic of their relationship. And he knew they would always disagree on more than they agreed on. But that was okay. One of the things that had made him fall in love with Grantaire in the first place was the way he constantly challenged and stimulated him. He didn't want that to ever change._ _

__No, it wouldn't be easy, he thought as he drifted off to sleep, the trace of a smile still on his lips. But it would be worth it. They were worth it. That he knew for sure._ _

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting on AO3. I'd love to hear from you if you'd like to leave a comment. Thanks!


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